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Who's On First
Star Trek Style
Kirk - Ah... hello Mister Spock.
Spock - Good day, Captain.
Kirk - Are you an avid baseball fan?
Spock - Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of 4 sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to knock the 's**t out of' the object amidst loud verbalizations of 'Hurrah' and 'Knock 'em on their a**.' Is this correct?
Kirk - Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.
Spock - Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history... perhaps I
may be of assistance.
Kirk - That's the idea.
Spock - Very well... proceed.
Kirk - Alright... Who's on first.
Spock - I am unable to determine who is on first without proper
information concerning the team and year, sir.
Kirk - So?
Spock - Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.
Kirk - No... Who's on first.
Spock - I do not know.
Kirk - No... he's third base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - No... he's first base.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Correct.
Spock - Who is correct?
Kirk - Sometimes.
Spock - Who is sometimes?
Kirk - No... Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes' identity.
Spock - Who's identity?
Kirk - No... him I know... he's first baseman.
Spock - Who is?
Kirk - Right.
Spock - Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - I said the second baseman.
Kirk - What.
Spock - This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory
disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked... who is the second baseman?
Kirk - No... you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.
Spock - I am not familiar with that piece of information, sir.
McCoy - Dammit, Spock! You messed up the whole setup there!
Spock - Forgive me Doctor... I am not a comedian.
McCoy - Obviously.
Spock - That much is certain.
McCoy - Just get back to the skit.
Spock - Very well. Captain... I ask you... politely... who is the
second baseman?
Kirk - No... Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.
Spock - That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. 'Who is the second baseman,' not 'what is the second baseman.'
Kirk - Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the
second baseman.
Spock - That statement is most illogical.
Kirk - Okay... wait a minute. We'll get Scotty... he's Scottish.. he
must love baseball. Oh Mister Scott...
Scott - Aye, Cap'n?
Kirk - Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.
Scott - Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!
Kirk - You see, Spock?
Spock - Yes... Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Alright, Mister Scott... who is the second baseman?
Scott - Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!
Spock - I know that be what... er... is what I'm talking about. I am
very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.
Scott - Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field
event!
Spock - What has this got to do with field events?
Scott - Ach! No! What's the second baseman!
Spock - Again, I note that a person should be referred to as 'who' and not 'what' Mister Scott.
Scott - Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!
Spock - What you are saying is most illogical.
Scott - Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!
Spock - Who is a 'real bright fella' Mister Scott?
Scott - No! Who... now he's a real dope, sir!
Spock - Who is?
Scott - Right!
Spock - You are relieved, Mister Scott.
Scott - Aye, sir.
Spock - Sir... this is most illogical, and I am no longer interested
in learning who the second baseman is. I am also growing impatient.
Kirk - No... Who's the first baseman.
Spock - Very well sir. Good day, gentlemen, or whoever you are.
[Spock leaves.]
Kirk - Whoever! I forgot about him! Wait... I don't remember a
Whoever on the team...
Shocked by the size of his posterior in a scene from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier where he walks across the bridge, Shatner had the frames airbrushed to reflect him in a more trim light.
Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.
--Captain Jean Luc Picard
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